Feeling reactive

Last week I had my first round of chemotherapy...

It was as not fun as they say. 10 out of 10 I do not recommend it. 

The chemotherapy course I am taking is called AC-T. The medicines are given in two phases. The first phase I am given the AC drugs and the second will be the T or Taxol. For the first phase, one of the drugs they are using has the nickname "Red Devil." It is nicknamed that because it looks like red koolaid in the syringe before they administer it, and for some of it's side effects. It is the chemo that will start my hairloss, it turns bodily fluids red and toxic. My oncologist (we will henceforth call him DR.O) didn't say that the name of the drug was "red devil" when discussing the plan of treatment, he used the actual name of the drug. After learning the medicines I would be on I had researched and learned as much as I could before my first chemotherapy appointment to help make sure I was as prepared as I could be for what was coming.

I had been unable to sleep well the previous two nights with anxiety over what was coming. I had already talked to Dr.O about dealing with so much anxiety and that I felt like we needed to just rip the bandaid off and get started to help me to stop overthinking things. 

As we walked in for treatment, I looked at the multiple bays with numerous chairs for people receiving treatment. It is heartbreaking to think that there are that many people and yet we haven't stopped all cancers yet. I selected my chair for the day and settled in. Then I realized - I am one of those patients. One other thing that helped make this whole process feel real was when Nurse showed me the list of pre-chemo meds and chemotherapy drugs I would be given. She had a copy for me to keep to help me know what drugs I had been given. As she went over the list she wrote in what the drugs were for or what they do. Then we got to the doxorubicin(Adriamycin) and she wrote "red devil chemo." It sunk the pit of my stomach like I was sitting on a precipice peering down as I was about to fall a great distance. Then we were off, and my stomach moved up into my throat as we started the plunge into the administration of the medications.

Nurse, got my port ready and was able to access it for the IV medicines. Nurse started the first bag of pre-chemo medicine, and I remembered a prompting I had earlier that morning. I knew there would be an allergic reaction to one of the medicines - I was apocalyptic thinking that it would be the chemo drug and we would have to start over, but I was reassured that it would be ok. When the second bag of IV medicine was hung, Nurse started the drip and I took a deep breath felt ready to get on with things. Nurse walked away, Husband started to read and I began to work on a book I was gifted by a friend. I noticed I was having a hard time focusing on the words on the page, then it felt like my anxiety was attacking my chest. Things were so tight. One breath, two, by the third breath I looked up and saw stars and knew I was in trouble. I reached arduously for the call button and was feeling myself start to black out. My hand hit the button as Husband looked up to see what I was doing. Nurse and another support nurse ran over and immediately knew I was in need of help. They were able to get the medicine stopped, counteract what was happening and get me breathing freely again quickly. 

I had not expected things to go that fast or so soon in the treatment but was glad that they were quick to respond. Dr.O, Nurse and Pharmacy worked to find an alternative drug that I wouldn't have a reaction to. I tried to shake the feeling of just evading death and waited for the next step to be explained. When the new med was procured and approved we started the timers once again and finished the treatment without incident.