Setting up for growth in the right areas

I don't like chemo, but it has a purpose. It has the purpose of killing off the right things in order for the better things to remain and grow. The chemo is a bit of a rough hand type tool for getting in and doing detailed work. It will kill of quick dividing cells, of which cancer is one, but it will also kill off others. That is where many of the harsh side effects of chemo come into play. Doctors make decisions for which drugs to use by tailoring the treatment to your specific type of cancer cells to try and take them out. The problem is that there is no magic magnet inside of a cancerous tumor that pulls the chemo drugs into just that place. 

In my mind it is like using a large snow shovel to try and remove the weeds from a newly tilled and sprouted garden. You can absolutely take out all of the weeds with that shovel. But trying to take only weeds and not some of the seedlings with them would be nearly impossible. In this situation you would need to take out what you could and come back later for more detailed work. You are also counting on seeds that haven't yet sprouted doing their job and coming back to fill in all the holes you made by scraping off their earlier friends. 

In theory you would have removed the weeds and if you continue to pay attention to your garden by weeding individual plants out later on (like radiation and surgery), replanting where necessary, watering and fertilizing the soil (recovery and natural cell regeneration) you will have a flourishing oasis later on. 

I am trying to be mindful of this as I look back on how junky I felt after the last round of chemo and how junky I will feel with the next round. The nausea meds will need adjusting cause they worked but knocked me silly. New things need to be added to supplement and fix other symptoms, more changes and more of me feeling like I will never feel balanced again. It's overwhelming and sometimes I have cried trying to think about how many more rounds of chemo and medicine I have ahead. But if I can keep in mind that it will all be worth it in the end I can keep going. 

My first phase of chemo will have 4 doses - one every other week (we already have 1 down), the second phase will have around 12 weekly doses. The 20 doses feels like a lot so I'm focusing on getting through the first 4 for now.

I was thinking too about how I said in a post before that my pride was taking a hit. Maybe that is a good thing too. It feels like maybe I'm being divinely plowed and prepared for some new growth in the right areas. Maybe I can come out of this a better person - someone who is more loving, understanding, patient, and a heck of a lot less prideful than I went into it. Maybe I'll come out a little more like Jesus - it can't hurt to try. 

Last thing for today - thank you for your love and prayers. When I can't seem to think or reply to all of the messages because of where I am at in the cycle, know that I do read them and they keep me going. 

I had some sweet Friends help me to get my hair chopped last week in preparation for chemo starting so it wouldn't feel quite so traumatic when it starts to go. I don't go to the salon, but I wanted someone else to do the chopping this time. I was so hesitant because while I've always wondered what a pixie cut would look like on me, I didn't plan to get there for a very long time. I went to the hair appointment that one of the Friends found me that was in a private salon booth and felt so well taken care of - when it was time to go, my Friend had already paid the bill that I was dreading paying because of what it meant. So, Friends who helped me look for an appointment and found ways to help occupy kids this week, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Sweet FRIEND who paid for that haircut so I didn't have to, thank you. That was a gift at just the right time that this cancer patient didn't know she needed until it happened. And to the awesome hairstylist, thank you for showing compassion and helping me laugh and find joy in an otherwise hard experience.