I lost my hair but they gave me soup

 Things are continuing as they were, bloody noses, tummy troubles, sore mouth and throat, weepy eyes, and super tired. BUT, there have been tender mercies along the way. The bloody noses are mostly manageable and I am able to get the bleeding to stop pretty easily. The sore mouth was a problem, but "magic mouth wash" prescribed by Doctor has helped - amazing what lidocaine can do for a person. When the compounding pharmacist talked to me about it they were quite thorough in my instructions for use, storage, etc. I was honestly semi skeptical about it, but it really did help to be able to try and numb some of the pain and discomfort.

Thanks to the plentiful soreness in my mouth, brushing my teeth - especially with a minty toothpaste felt like a horrible prospect. I will admit to even tears some times when it was time to brush, but I was able to find a tube of children's toothpaste that didn't burn my tongue and made brushing feel like less of a chore. I have been tired, but I have a family who are willing to step in and do things to help take care of one another so that I can rest.

My hair has started to fall out again in earnest. Seeing the hairs that have started to fall out again has been fascinating. When a hair falls out you can see a visual representation of where my body has been over the last few months. At the furthest point from my head the hair is fine and wispy like a baby's hair. By the middle of the length the hair is darker, denser, and healthy looking. Then as you continue down the hair there are pieces where the hair tried to grow but wasn't able to and looks more and more broken and fragile until it finally broke off from my head. I know that our bodies often show what we have been going through with messages that we don't always mean to convey, but it was interesting to see it play out so visually in my hair follicles. 

Last week I was really craving soup. It is the middle of July and I want a bowl of soup - makes perfect sense because when you can't eat very well without choking a bit and can't make enough saliva to make food moist enough to swallow, soup is a great idea. I just wanted something to eat that wasn't so much of a chore. I ate some canned soups because it seemed silly to make a giant pot of something. But I was getting sick of the idea of yet another can. I said a prayer asking what I could eat that would help me. I wanted to find out what I needed without having to put a ton of effort into making something. 

I finished my prayer and immediately I got a notification that Friend had texted me. She wanted to know if it was ok for her to randomly bring me some soup. I kid you not when I say that I started crying. Friend brought me soup and once again I felt so loved and cared for. I ate the soup like a starving person, it was so good! It was one I would not have thought to make for myself but was exactly what my body was needing.

When I ate my way through that soup and was feeling a bit iffy about what I was going to do next, I had another Friend come by. Friend brought bread and more soup of a different variety. Again, exactly at the time when I needed it. 

While feeling like garbage has been hard, God has blessed me. His people come and rescue us constantly and we feel buoyed up despite the hard things happening right now. I may lose all of my hair once again - actually I am planning to shave it all off again because it's annoying to me to have it constantly falling out and into my eyes. But even without hair,  I still know that I am a beloved daughter of God.

The Icy Queen Bee

 When I do the Taxotere treatments, all along I have been using ice to try and keep the neuropathy to a minimum in my hands and feet. I feel it nonetheless when we are done, but it doesn't last so that has been good.

The way it works is we take a bucket and fill it with a bag of ice, put my feet or hands on top and place another bag of ice over the top. It isn't comfy, it isn't fun, but it works and I would rather do that for an hour than not be able to feel anything for days. 

About ten minutes in I really start to hurt in my joints from the cold, by 15 minutes I am starting to go numb and can't really worry too much most of the time. And by the end of the hour I am watching the timer and waiting impatiently like a kid on Christmas for the go signal to rip open the wrapping on my presents. When my hands and feet come out like frozen blocks of ice, I remind myself that it's summer here so they will defrost soon enough. 

Summer has been hot and dry here, and that has done a number on Husband trying to keep my many plants alive in and out of the house. Add in that we have a huge influx of bunnies and we have been unable to keep some of my plants alive without miracles. Neighbors are seeing dead grass in their yards, plants disappear over night because the bunnies have so few things left that are lush enough to really eat, so they're coming right up to the front door. They have eaten avocado trees, vegetable plants, and just about every flower my neighbor or I have put in the yard. Some of mine they have stayed away from so I'm hopeful that something will survive the bunnies.

As the reigning Queen Bee here in our home, I have tried to keep things going and Husband has tried to help make things as normal for the Kids as we can this summer. We canned strawberry and blackberry jam. Husband took the kids swimming every day. We dried tomatoes because I still have plenty of canned variety from last year. We stayed up late, woke up early, played games, they went to parties and watched pets for friends. Doctors appointments for me, doctors, dentists and orthodontists for the Kids - it felt like they just kept coming even after we rescheduled several things. Coordinating all of that has been a herculean effort on the part of many. I couldn't do it without my amazing supports. 

Friends, neighbors, Husband, Kids, Church family - they have all played a part in making our hive thrive. Soon we will start school and Kids will be gone for hours at a time all at once, part of me looks forward to it. Part of me wonders if the quiet will prove too much after the first two days - the other part of me looks forward to uninterrupted guilt free
napping.

When is it time for fireworks?

In the middle of June we started back with chemo treatments. I am on Taxotere. So far no lung effects, or other major issues. I have been having weekly treatments and we are hoping to be done with them by the end of August. Because of the break in everything being so long, I was feeling pretty strong by the time I had the first treatment. Here we are a month later and I am feeling the chemo effects this round.

I had some stomach issues before from the chemo but by the time I got the routine figured out and what I would do or take and when for it, things changed. I am still having those symptoms, but I have been feeling more symptoms creeping up into the more than annoying category. 

I have neuropathy from treatments, watery eyes, bloody noses, sores in my mouth, nose and throat, and heartburn that doesn't seem to quit. The neuropathy thankfully is temporary and likely caused by swelling after each treatment. It goes away within a couple of days so it has been manageable. The other parts like eyes that won't stop watering are causing their own challenges. 

When your eyes water this much it gets hard to see sometimes, I wipe with soft things the tears that seem to collect in my eyes to keep from having sore skin on my face, but it doesn't keep the immediate area around my eyes from feeling raw. The nose bleeds have thankfully been minor and mostly caused by sores I can get a cotton swab to so I can apply salves to help the skin be less dry and uncomfortable. I watch what I eat with the heartburn, but I still end up taking medicine for it fairly often.

When I went into chemo last week I complained that the mouth rinse from the dentist is only giving temporary relief from my soreness of my tongue. Think back to when you have scalded  your tongue on something much too hot, that burning sensation and tenderness last a couple of days and your mouth heals and you move on and just expend a little more caution when eating or drinking. My tongue feels like the burn of that, the inflamed, sore, swollen tastebuds, dry and forever tender. Eating is a chore, my sense of taste has mostly disappeared from it so a lot of foods are very unappealing. Between the heartburn and the sore tongue even bland foods are sometimes a challenge to eat.

The other big challenge I have been facing is fatigue. Someone described fatigue versus tired in a way I appreciated. Tired is a feeling you have when you just need some sleep to feel better. Fatigue is a feeling of being very tired, but no matter how many naps you take you won't feel better from it. I am fatigued. 

We have been slowly starting to work on the rest of the upstairs portion of our remodel. I pretend I am a really good helper a lot of the time and Husband does pretty much everything. I sit and tell him measurements or help him think through the next steps. It's frustrating for me. I want to be up helping and doing and working hard, breaking a sweat right next to him, and I can't seem to find the energy. One day while he was working on the remodel, our big Kids were helping Husband and I was "supervisor." I was such a good supervisor that I eventually grabbed a pillow and laid down on the carpet where I could see what they were up to. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the middle of the floor wondering where everyone had gone to. This fatigue thing is no joke, and yet I can deal with being fatigued way better than I can with the nausea and mouth sores.

Six out of the twelve rounds of Taxotere down, we are halfway there. Here is hoping and praying that we can finish out strong and I will be able to see this through so we can move on and finish this war against cancer. I told Husband that when it is all said and done, we will have a big cancer-free, wedding anniversary and my milestone birthday to celebrate. I told him it feels like it will be so big we will need to find a huge way to celebrate - like cue the fireworks big. In the mean time I am going to need to start dreaming up what we will do to celebrate and find a way to make that a reality.

We are so thankful for the love, support, numerous prayers, meals, flowers, thoughtful gifts and kind words. Thank you for the grace shown me when I don't have it in me to respond, or do the things I would normally do. People giving rides and hanging out with my family. Friends who are survivors of cancer who lend a listening and understanding ear when I just need to have someone commiserate with what I'm feeling or going through, you have saved my sanity more than once. Thank you all for understanding that chemo saps my strength and sometimes messes with my brain being able and functioning like I would like it to be. 

In the mean time, God is good. We are so blessed to have been given what we need when we need it, and He is taking care of me minute by minute. 

I hope you can take some time to see His hand in your life today. Know that you are His child, and that you are loved immeasurably. Maybe you can share some of your love and light with someone else who you come across today. I know it always helps me when it's shared with me.