The end of all the Chemo

 Here we are! I made it to the end of the worst of the chemo. My symptoms have not really improved in most areas, but the fact that the end was near kept me hanging on. Basically everything upset my stomach and made me sick, but somehow I was able to eat enough and not lose a bunch of weight. I am glad for that, I don't need my body to have more to recover from. Since my last post I have been struggling with my eyes a lot more.

Taxotere has caused my eyes to water constantly. I tried my best to keep them clean and to be gentle on them, but they swelled up all along the lash line and just got worse. I had to go in for antibiotics twice now. I have blepharitis from the tears being there and touching irritating things. The doctors seem to think that the odds are that my eyes will dry up and get back to normal soon. The truth is that my odds have not been the best with most of the side effects, etc. I don't exactly think that my chances are great, but I am going to remain hopeful.

With treatment for the blepharitis I have seen that the tearing at least doesn't hurt now which is nice. I can open and close my eyes without the swelling causing pain which is also nice. It also made it a lot easier to use my eyes. They were so swollen before that I could not read or see. I walked from my bed or chair to the bathroom or table slowly and squinting the best I could but glasses were of no help because I couldn't see past the swelling and constant tears.

I made it through though! The worst of the chemotherapy is done! They said I will be put on "baby chemo" later but I have made it through this leg. In about 6 weeks I will go in for my surgery to remove my port and to remove the tumor and affected lymph nodes. It is good to see that I am on the other side. The sun feels like it is shining a bit brighter and my smile feels closer to the surface.

Kids have started school again and so far they are enjoying things the best they can. Things are super busy and I am so thankful for Husband who helps keep things managed still since I am not feeling myself yet. I really hope to be feeling a lot better SOON! This feeling sick and sitting around a lot has been so annoying for me. I am a get up and get things done person so sitting has been really hard on me mentally.

When I came home from my final chemo there were flowers and balloons and a giant sign on my garage from FRIENDS. I felt so loved and seen. While I know that they would have loved to give hugs and cheers in person, it was exactly right that I saw it and then went straight inside, laid down and fell asleep. 

I lost my hair but they gave me soup

 Things are continuing as they were, bloody noses, tummy troubles, sore mouth and throat, weepy eyes, and super tired. BUT, there have been tender mercies along the way. The bloody noses are mostly manageable and I am able to get the bleeding to stop pretty easily. The sore mouth was a problem, but "magic mouth wash" prescribed by Doctor has helped - amazing what lidocaine can do for a person. When the compounding pharmacist talked to me about it they were quite thorough in my instructions for use, storage, etc. I was honestly semi skeptical about it, but it really did help to be able to try and numb some of the pain and discomfort.

Thanks to the plentiful soreness in my mouth, brushing my teeth - especially with a minty toothpaste felt like a horrible prospect. I will admit to even tears some times when it was time to brush, but I was able to find a tube of children's toothpaste that didn't burn my tongue and made brushing feel like less of a chore. I have been tired, but I have a family who are willing to step in and do things to help take care of one another so that I can rest.

My hair has started to fall out again in earnest. Seeing the hairs that have started to fall out again has been fascinating. When a hair falls out you can see a visual representation of where my body has been over the last few months. At the furthest point from my head the hair is fine and wispy like a baby's hair. By the middle of the length the hair is darker, denser, and healthy looking. Then as you continue down the hair there are pieces where the hair tried to grow but wasn't able to and looks more and more broken and fragile until it finally broke off from my head. I know that our bodies often show what we have been going through with messages that we don't always mean to convey, but it was interesting to see it play out so visually in my hair follicles. 

Last week I was really craving soup. It is the middle of July and I want a bowl of soup - makes perfect sense because when you can't eat very well without choking a bit and can't make enough saliva to make food moist enough to swallow, soup is a great idea. I just wanted something to eat that wasn't so much of a chore. I ate some canned soups because it seemed silly to make a giant pot of something. But I was getting sick of the idea of yet another can. I said a prayer asking what I could eat that would help me. I wanted to find out what I needed without having to put a ton of effort into making something. 

I finished my prayer and immediately I got a notification that Friend had texted me. She wanted to know if it was ok for her to randomly bring me some soup. I kid you not when I say that I started crying. Friend brought me soup and once again I felt so loved and cared for. I ate the soup like a starving person, it was so good! It was one I would not have thought to make for myself but was exactly what my body was needing.

When I ate my way through that soup and was feeling a bit iffy about what I was going to do next, I had another Friend come by. Friend brought bread and more soup of a different variety. Again, exactly at the time when I needed it. 

While feeling like garbage has been hard, God has blessed me. His people come and rescue us constantly and we feel buoyed up despite the hard things happening right now. I may lose all of my hair once again - actually I am planning to shave it all off again because it's annoying to me to have it constantly falling out and into my eyes. But even without hair,  I still know that I am a beloved daughter of God.

The Icy Queen Bee

 When I do the Taxotere treatments, all along I have been using ice to try and keep the neuropathy to a minimum in my hands and feet. I feel it nonetheless when we are done, but it doesn't last so that has been good.

The way it works is we take a bucket and fill it with a bag of ice, put my feet or hands on top and place another bag of ice over the top. It isn't comfy, it isn't fun, but it works and I would rather do that for an hour than not be able to feel anything for days. 

About ten minutes in I really start to hurt in my joints from the cold, by 15 minutes I am starting to go numb and can't really worry too much most of the time. And by the end of the hour I am watching the timer and waiting impatiently like a kid on Christmas for the go signal to rip open the wrapping on my presents. When my hands and feet come out like frozen blocks of ice, I remind myself that it's summer here so they will defrost soon enough. 

Summer has been hot and dry here, and that has done a number on Husband trying to keep my many plants alive in and out of the house. Add in that we have a huge influx of bunnies and we have been unable to keep some of my plants alive without miracles. Neighbors are seeing dead grass in their yards, plants disappear over night because the bunnies have so few things left that are lush enough to really eat, so they're coming right up to the front door. They have eaten avocado trees, vegetable plants, and just about every flower my neighbor or I have put in the yard. Some of mine they have stayed away from so I'm hopeful that something will survive the bunnies.

As the reigning Queen Bee here in our home, I have tried to keep things going and Husband has tried to help make things as normal for the Kids as we can this summer. We canned strawberry and blackberry jam. Husband took the kids swimming every day. We dried tomatoes because I still have plenty of canned variety from last year. We stayed up late, woke up early, played games, they went to parties and watched pets for friends. Doctors appointments for me, doctors, dentists and orthodontists for the Kids - it felt like they just kept coming even after we rescheduled several things. Coordinating all of that has been a herculean effort on the part of many. I couldn't do it without my amazing supports. 

Friends, neighbors, Husband, Kids, Church family - they have all played a part in making our hive thrive. Soon we will start school and Kids will be gone for hours at a time all at once, part of me looks forward to it. Part of me wonders if the quiet will prove too much after the first two days - the other part of me looks forward to uninterrupted guilt free
napping.

When is it time for fireworks?

In the middle of June we started back with chemo treatments. I am on Taxotere. So far no lung effects, or other major issues. I have been having weekly treatments and we are hoping to be done with them by the end of August. Because of the break in everything being so long, I was feeling pretty strong by the time I had the first treatment. Here we are a month later and I am feeling the chemo effects this round.

I had some stomach issues before from the chemo but by the time I got the routine figured out and what I would do or take and when for it, things changed. I am still having those symptoms, but I have been feeling more symptoms creeping up into the more than annoying category. 

I have neuropathy from treatments, watery eyes, bloody noses, sores in my mouth, nose and throat, and heartburn that doesn't seem to quit. The neuropathy thankfully is temporary and likely caused by swelling after each treatment. It goes away within a couple of days so it has been manageable. The other parts like eyes that won't stop watering are causing their own challenges. 

When your eyes water this much it gets hard to see sometimes, I wipe with soft things the tears that seem to collect in my eyes to keep from having sore skin on my face, but it doesn't keep the immediate area around my eyes from feeling raw. The nose bleeds have thankfully been minor and mostly caused by sores I can get a cotton swab to so I can apply salves to help the skin be less dry and uncomfortable. I watch what I eat with the heartburn, but I still end up taking medicine for it fairly often.

When I went into chemo last week I complained that the mouth rinse from the dentist is only giving temporary relief from my soreness of my tongue. Think back to when you have scalded  your tongue on something much too hot, that burning sensation and tenderness last a couple of days and your mouth heals and you move on and just expend a little more caution when eating or drinking. My tongue feels like the burn of that, the inflamed, sore, swollen tastebuds, dry and forever tender. Eating is a chore, my sense of taste has mostly disappeared from it so a lot of foods are very unappealing. Between the heartburn and the sore tongue even bland foods are sometimes a challenge to eat.

The other big challenge I have been facing is fatigue. Someone described fatigue versus tired in a way I appreciated. Tired is a feeling you have when you just need some sleep to feel better. Fatigue is a feeling of being very tired, but no matter how many naps you take you won't feel better from it. I am fatigued. 

We have been slowly starting to work on the rest of the upstairs portion of our remodel. I pretend I am a really good helper a lot of the time and Husband does pretty much everything. I sit and tell him measurements or help him think through the next steps. It's frustrating for me. I want to be up helping and doing and working hard, breaking a sweat right next to him, and I can't seem to find the energy. One day while he was working on the remodel, our big Kids were helping Husband and I was "supervisor." I was such a good supervisor that I eventually grabbed a pillow and laid down on the carpet where I could see what they were up to. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the middle of the floor wondering where everyone had gone to. This fatigue thing is no joke, and yet I can deal with being fatigued way better than I can with the nausea and mouth sores.

Six out of the twelve rounds of Taxotere down, we are halfway there. Here is hoping and praying that we can finish out strong and I will be able to see this through so we can move on and finish this war against cancer. I told Husband that when it is all said and done, we will have a big cancer-free, wedding anniversary and my milestone birthday to celebrate. I told him it feels like it will be so big we will need to find a huge way to celebrate - like cue the fireworks big. In the mean time I am going to need to start dreaming up what we will do to celebrate and find a way to make that a reality.

We are so thankful for the love, support, numerous prayers, meals, flowers, thoughtful gifts and kind words. Thank you for the grace shown me when I don't have it in me to respond, or do the things I would normally do. People giving rides and hanging out with my family. Friends who are survivors of cancer who lend a listening and understanding ear when I just need to have someone commiserate with what I'm feeling or going through, you have saved my sanity more than once. Thank you all for understanding that chemo saps my strength and sometimes messes with my brain being able and functioning like I would like it to be. 

In the mean time, God is good. We are so blessed to have been given what we need when we need it, and He is taking care of me minute by minute. 

I hope you can take some time to see His hand in your life today. Know that you are His child, and that you are loved immeasurably. Maybe you can share some of your love and light with someone else who you come across today. I know it always helps me when it's shared with me. 

Just like that, June is gone like a breeze

It has been a while since I last posted here. Life has a way of sneaking up on you and it seems that just like that June was gone with the breeze.

I spent 3 weeks after I got released from the hospital recovering from the pneumonitis. The steroids they had me taking to help my lungs to heal did their job and I was feeling better. One thing with the large doses of steroids was that I felt like I could pick up a bus on some days. I had to keep reminding myself that even though the steroids were making me feel like the Hulk, I was a person who needed to realize that I am not that strong right now. 

As the steroids tapered off, I felt much more myself. It was a nice respite that I am so thankful to God for. I was able to take the time to rest, reset my mindset and be thankful to know that in the end I will feel like myself once again even if it doesn't always feel like it when I am in the middle of chemotherapy and recovering from surgeries. The reminder that there is light at the end of the tunnel felt good. 

Since being released from the hospital, we were able to finish some of the downstairs part of the remodel that has been going on in our house. We sent kids to camps and they came back ready for hugs and to tell us all about what they got to do there. We had friends who took my littles and gave them a chance to go swimming. We had time to snuggle and talk, time to feel peaceful, and time when I felt good enough to make some meals. It felt so good.

I have had 2 CT scans since being released from the hospital. The first was to determine if my lungs were healed enough to start back into chemotherapy. The second one was for the pulmonologist a couple of weeks after the first to confirm that things looked good and we were able to see that there wasn't a new pneumonitis beginning. Both scans gave my medical team and us the reassurance that I am doing ok. 

I also met with my surgeon to see what she thought about how things are going. She was positive and felt like I do that the tumor is shrinking. The chemo is doing what we wanted it to and I am headed in the right direction. There are still questions and things to consider as we move forward, but I am happy with the progress being made in my cancer's treatment.

Round 1 of 12 and sicker than before

 At the beginning of May, I switched from AC chemotherapy to Taxol for the second half of my chemotherapy course. I had prepared and talked with Doctor about side effects and the potential for things that could happen. I felt less worried about most of the side effects of the Taxol, but I was feeling worried about the potential for neuropathy. I had some neuropathy when I had the AC chemo so we had made a plan for cold therapy to help with prevention during Taxol treatment. 

When I went in for the Taxol treatment I felt anxious but optimistic. Nurse prepared the ice for the cold therapy and we made a plan for how things would go. Because it was a new medication we took the first round of this new set of medications slowly. As I sat with my feet and hands in buckets of ice for an hour I realized that they were not nearly as painful or worrisome as I had originally thought it would be. They hurt from the cold but not much and with a blanket on my lap I was able to feel warm everywhere else and only cold under the ice. 

With the Taxol treatment completed, I was optimistic that this would all work out ok. We went home and I spent what time I could with the kids before they all had to leave. There was a marching camp for one, Girl Scout bridging ceremonies for others, honors society induction for one and a choir concert for everyone to attend. This was the kind of day I normally plan in detail. I figure out how we will get everyone where they need to be and when, I coordinate with them for who needs rides from people outside of our home and make a plan to be in the right places at the right time. This day, instead of doing any of that, I helped to make sure they all had a plan in place and sent them out the door with a kiss and best wishes. 

Knowing that they were all doing the end of the school year activities and demonstrating their achievements it was hard for me to send them off without going too. Maybe I could have snuck in or found a way, but it didn't feel safe with just having had chemo that morning. My heart felt a little jealous that Husband was there taking photos and giving hugs and applause to each child. I cried as I sat on my bed and tried to figure out if there was anything at all that I could do. 

The next day, Friends came over and were helping to work on painting our home remodel. I put on my mask and sat to the side to spend some time talking to them for a bit. It was nice to feel like I am still a person. I felt better than I thought I would that morning and I was hopeful that Taxol wouldn't be so bad. 

By Friday afternoon, I felt like I was having some bad allergies or a bit of asthma. Saturday morning I woke up and got winded walking the 15 feet to the bathroom. From there I began a fever, chills and body aches. I was told to watch and wait, I took the prescribed antibiotics and acetaminophen for the fever and waited for my body to feel better.

I didn't feel super sick, it was really focused on my lungs. I felt the fever and chills as my temperature would spike. I went in 3 days the next week for fluids and more tests to try and determine what was causing me to feel so awful. By the following week I was no better off. 

My breathing was labored, I was having a hard time getting in a full breath. My heartrate was sitting at 120 laying down and would spike with movement. I would move and it would cause lots of coughing. My lungs felt burned - like when you go for a run when it's cold outside, but it didn't ever stop. If I held still I was stable, but any movement started a coughing fit that nothing was working to help. 

I was finally admitted to the hospital and after 11 days of fever and cough I found myself sitting in a hospital bed being tested for even more while they sent oxygen and medication my way. At the worst I was on 4L of oxygen trying to keep my sa
ts up in the 90s. I was blessed with an amazing team of nurses who were oh so good to me in all the ways that I needed. They laughed and cried with me, they commiserated over the next test, poke, prod or effort. They asked to see photos of my children and family. Husband came, Friends came, and Religious leaders came. I was definitely being cared for in all of the best ways anyone could but it took time to decide that my damaged lungs, sepsis and fever were being caused by the Taxol. 

I was in the hospital for a week. Between the being sick at home for 11 days and the week in the hospital, I missed every single end of year activity for all of my kids. In the big picture it isn't much and they all survived, but it still stings that I wasn't able to be there when my heart and brain were perfectly capable of wishing it to be so. The kids made pictures and signs for my hospital room. We never let them come visit though, mostly because I didn't want to scare them with all of the machines I was hooked up to. I video called and only showed my face with the oxygen cannula and that was enough to make some of them worry a lot more than they already were - I promised them that I would be alright and be coming home soon. 

Once the Taxol was found to be the culprit Doctors switched medications, did a blood transfusion, and I started to feel much better pretty quickly. Within hours of them giving the treatments I started to notice a difference in my breathing and how well I was feeling overall. I went from barely being able to transfer from the bed into a wheelchair to walking the halls with the physical therapist in a very short amount of time. I went from people wondering if I was at death's door to being released and sent home with a prescription and new set of follow up appointments. The pink came back to my cheeks and the pallor of death was swept away.

All along the way I felt reassured that it would all work out and that I would not in fact die no matter what things looked like in the moment. I felt comforted and loved, I felt at peace. The hardest part was waiting for the answer that Doctors were working so very hard to find. I am so thankful for the blessing of being able to breathe without assistance and for the ability to receive the treatment needed to heal me. 

Since being released from the hospital I am feeling much better, I will tell you more about what I have been up to later. In the meantime, God is good. He is mindful of each of us. Thanks to Him and each of you for being on this journey with me. 

Pink or Rose colored glasses

Pink 

Pink is MY color.

Pink is the color of my Mother's lips when she tucked me in at night when I was still small.

Pink is the color of my favorite jelly shoes then and my favorite animal at the time - flamingos.

Pink is my color, my best cousin's was purple so we always knew what was whose.

Pink is the color of my bandana that I just couldn't see myself going to middle school without.

Pink is the color of my cheeks when kids teased, stole from me and bullied me in middle school.

Pink is the color framing my best friends' smile as we went on adventures as teens.

Pink is the color of my favorite marking pen to use when I learned to study and immerse myself daily in God's word.

Pink is the color of the blanket that a thoughtful friend and his Mom gave me before I went to college.

Pink is the color of my shirt when my special someone first held my hand and danced me across my apartment floor.

Pink is the color of my cheeks when my future husband first brushed his lips against mine.

Pink is the color of the flowers at my wedding - flowers that were symbolic to us and our personal story.

Pink is the color of the bleeding hearts in the tiny garden of our first home.

Pink is the color I didn't choose for our nursery because I felt there would be more children in that room and I didn't want to have to repaint.

Pink is the color of each baby's lips as I nursed them and looked into the eyes of someone straight from heaven.

Pink is the color of chubby hands and feet as children grew and wanted independence but still needed me for just about everything

Pink is the color of their favorite shirts when they were little

Pink is the color of the first lip gloss one of my daughters applied skillfully on her own. 

Pink is also the color of breast cancer. Pink - my color now has another meaning. Not one I wanted or would have ever chosen, but one that was thrust upon me. Pink is the color I will now be associated with as a breast cancer patient and survivor now and forever. 

Part of me wants to give up on pink to shout that I have been violated by this monstrosity creeping into me.

Pink is the color of a prom dress I could barely open my eyes to appreciate when I sent one off to prom - because the pink of cancer was taking my strength.

Pink is the color our skin would be had we gone on the vacation we were planning when the pink of breast cancer came crashing into my life.

Pink can mean a lot of things. 

Pink can mean whatever I ascribe to the color - I get to choose. 

Pink could be the rosiness in my cheeks when I feel better and am able to go hike, cave, garden or help a friend. 

I don't have to force myself to wear rose colored glasses, I am good at finding pink along the way, something I will continue to do. Maybe that means I AM wearing the rose colored glasses - but it's something that I am ok with. 

I wonder where I will find my next pink and who will be involved in the story of how pink is still my color.

Light just over the next hill

I have been a bit MIA for the last few weeks. Really I have been dealing with a lot and the thought of sitting at a computer and writing anything felt like too much to ask. After the 3rd round of AC chemo and all that recovering took out of me physically and mentally I was really worried about how I would do with the final AC round - Round 4. 

Doctor felt optimistic, my main tumor is shrinking and you can tell that the chemotherapy is making a difference in the size and texture which is exactly what we want to have. I kept worrying about the treatment itself and the fallout. After round 3 I had been so nauseated and felt so awful. We talked about it and Doctor had some ideas for a different support med that might help me ease through the roughest parts. 

I was counting on prayers and angels and miracles in whatever form they would come because I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. Sure enough the day before chemo I broke down, but I was blessed with enough peace to keep going. When we got into the seat for treatment Nurse was excellent and was very understanding of how I was feeling. My companion that day was Sister-in-law and she was very good at finding things to talk about to keep my mind from having a melt down. Volunteers came and did their darndest to help this girl find just one thing to smile about because I kept having tears leak out of my eyes. Meds and chemo were administered at the kind hands of Nurse sucessfully and I came home and waited for the absolute bottom to fall out - it didn't. I rested and was feeling junky for sure but I didn't feel like this round would be the end of me. There were prayers answered, angels who helped me and the miracles from God that I had been looking for. 

The support medicine they gave with my treatment this time meant I wasn't feeling nauseated within 2 hours of coming home from treatment which was a first for me. I was so thankful for that - another blessing. Then because I was feeling better I didn't have to take as many home meds and felt better in my digestive tract than I had other rounds - again tender mercy. 

Finally after some days I was able to recover a bit more and had a full week of feeling nearly myself before I was scheduled to trade over to the Taxol set of medicines. 

We met with Doctor about what to expect, discussed that I am definitely going to need cold therapy to get through the Taxol the best we can without neuropathy because I had experienced it already from the AC treatments and at other times when my rheumatoid arthritis gets bad. We went over the plan and I was reminded of what the projected outcome of all of this would be- surgeries and radiation are still coming and I need to be prepared for what that will mean. I don't like it - I've had too many other necessary surgeries already and I don't want to think about having more to recover from when I feel like it's all I can do to focus on the here and now. But it is better for me to mentally have time to think about and process it to help me to feel more comfortable with all that is still to come.

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If you have called or texted in the last while, it's not personal when I don't respond for days sometimes, actually most of the time it is unintentional. I have found that there are a lot of people who love me and a lot of people who want to know what is going on and how I am doing which means a lot of people reaching out. Meanwhile I am living through really hard things. I am fighting for my life and trying to meet the emotional, mental and physical needs of my large family. I am focusing on what matters most right now- me, my husband and the children I am steward over. Many people are understanding of that and I am thankful for that but I want to put it out there because I am making space for me and I won't feel guilt for making that choice when it means the gift of a mother who is available to my children. I have to guard myself, my mind and time for what is most important in that moment because I am so limited in what I can do thanks to all of this. 

I do read the texts eventually - sometimes it has been over a week before I get back around to it, but I do read them and try to respond.

 One day I'll be better at responding when I have more room in my capacity and then you and I will see the light just over the next hill.

He clothes the lillies of the field

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit and cry and be sad and overwhelmed. I have written a lot about the hard things because I want to remember what they were and what it was like when I get to the other side of all of this. I mean, there is a good amount of crying and overwhelm and definitely more than there ever was before cancer but there are also a lot of moments of joy, stillness, peace, hope and fun.  I am still Mom to my kids and wife to my husband. I am still a friend, sister, mentor, creator, encourager, comforter, and cheerleader. 

Kids come home and check in about their day. I give hugs, help with homework, listen to rambling stories about the minute details of recess and comfort egos that were bruised when a friend wasn't the best kind of friend. I snuggle up with them and pat their heads. I hold their hand and tell them I love them. 

Do I lay down a lot? Yes. Do I feel horrid for what feels like a lot of days between treatments? Absolutely. But this post is about some of the bountiful mercies and blessings I have seen because there have been many. 

I told you about the priesthood blessing and the butterscotch shake. Did you know that there have been gifts showing up at my house? People have sent cards and gifts hoping to make things better, easier or happier - and you know what, it works. Those things show up on days when I keep finding my eyes tearing up in the private moments because things are feeling too hard. 

I have been crying in my room and heard the doorbell only to find a Friend brought me a flower. Or I was feeling like I wasn't sure how to be when I couldn't attend church services and another Friend sent home a reminder with Little Kid that she was thinking of me. They have always - every single one of them - showed up when I was struggling to hold hope and peace in my heart.

There was a package full of treasures to brighten up my room. One Big Kid made some art that reminds me I am loved and to look for the wonders all around. There was a box of books - specifically chosen by a Loved One who looked at my list of books I wanted to read and gathered some to share with me. 

There have been texts and phone calls at exactly the right moment when I just need to vent a little. People have offered to help with whatever was needed and they answer the call when  invited to do so. Food, and rides and help with kids. Help working on the house renovation, cleaning, you name it - People are God's hands, and through them I am feeling His love.

I was having an exceptionally hard time one day. I was having an hour of feeling hopeless and like I didn't know how to keep going. So, I prayed. I often talk to God about things throughout the day, I pray vocally and in my heart. I spend time in His word and in stillness so I can listen for what He has to say back. In this moment of prayer though, my turmoil felt too great. I was like Peter as he stepped off the ship in Matthew 14:29-31:

29 And [Jesus] said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

I was sinking and cried out to feel His love and comfort to save my mind and heart. I asked to be reminded of how He loves me. In that moment, I wasn't sure how that would come about, but I knew that I once had known and trusted that I could be reminded. 

It was only a moment later when I looked out of the window next to me. Immediately a mourning dove landed directly on the windowsill facing into the room. He stood there cocking his head from side to side as he looked in at me and I looked at him for what felt like a very long moment. Then I remembered the scriptures in Matthew 6:26, 28-29, 32:

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

32 [...] your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

And this song: 

His blessings rained down like manna from heaven. I knew that He knows me. I knew that I could keep going. I knew that I was going to be ok. I knew that I needed to put on my big girl pants and get to work on changing the things that I have control over. And I was gently reminded to look for the good, the miracles, the blessings and to give thanks. So I did and I do.

Thank you to ALL who have been a part of this journey with me. For the prayers, the thoughts, the wishes, the time, the gifts, ALL of it - you have helped to keep me going.

I am known, I am seen, I am loved. God is so good. He knows you too, maybe you can take some time today and have your own chat with Him - He is a great listener to ALL the things you have to say.

3 out of 4 ain't bad - winner gets a shake

 
This last round of chemo was rough. In the days leading up to treatment I had a cloud of dread hanging over me that I already mentioned. I felt so frustrated by myself. I was anxious about the treatment and how I would handle it mentally. I also felt a building dread for the fight with my body that got harder with each day leading up to treatment. 

I am a woman who listens to her body, it is how I learned what foods my body does well digesting and what foods my body does not do well with which has been an important tool for much of my life. I have learned what things my body needs by being in tune to what I am feeling and sensing. It was how I knew deep down that I had cancer before I had any proof. Being that I listen to my body, it sometimes speaks loudly about what it wants and needs. Every time I thought about treatment my body went loud with messages of revolt and my betrayal if I went through with it. I felt like going in and getting treatment was going against every message I had tried so hard to learn to listen to. Why would you go to a place where they kill off parts of your body, damage the very cells with which your body functions, recognize that and then turn back around and do it all over again - over and over. 

My mind knows that this is the right thing to do for me in the long run. My heart knows this is right. My body, doesn't yet understand why we are doing these horrible things over and over again. And I am not sure how to tell it that it will all be ok in the end. 

After round 3 of AC chemo I came home and just cried and felt utterly awful. I was mentally and physically taxed and it hadn't even been long. The nausea meds were not working like I needed them to and I was really in a fight to not crawl right out of my skin for all the input my body was sending me. So I asked for a priesthood blessing. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is a prayer given by a Melchizedek priesthood holder for healing, comfort or counsel that is given by laying hands on the head of the person receiving the blessing. Priesthood holders laid hands on my head and gave me a blessing. The one speaking spoke the inspired words that I needed to hear to help me hang on.

I was able to rest overnight and went in the next morning for my follow up shot. They hadn't scheduled me for more fluids, but Husband asked and Doctor agreed so they worked me in as an add on for that one. I felt incredibly miserable. When they got me into a chair and Nurse came over, it was Nurse who had been there for treatment 1. Nurse helped me once again feel comforted as my fluids were started and shot was prepped. Nurse asked Doctor to add another nausea med to help with the breakthrough and let me sleep. 

Husband waited patiently while I got what I needed and then got me a butterscotch shake on the way home - because apparently that is my comfort food when I feel like I'm dying. 

Many years ago when I was pregnant, I almost died - true story my Doctor held my hand and promised to save baby but wasn't sure if I could be saved. When I pulled through I felt horrid and couldn't seem to stomach the hospital food. My Nurse got upset and Doctor came to talk. I asked if HE would want to eat what they were offering with no salt or seasoning - he asked if they brought anything I could want in what I would wish for. I told him a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a butterscotch shake - it had been many days since I had eaten anything and that was all that sounded good. Doctor was true to his word and found someone to go and bring back exactly what I asked for and I kept my word and ate every last crumb of sandwich and licked the cup clean from the shake. It was so healing - maybe that is why a butterscotch shake sounded good after what I was putting my body through.

Did I lick the cup this time? You bet cause I'm a winner and 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

This ride is nauseating

In the time since my last post, I had my second round of chemo. It was a lot smoother for administering than the first time, and we added some fluids to help with the migraine the first one had triggered. The fluids helped a lot and the headache was a more mild one this time and felt more like something I can live with.

The day of my last treatment, I started to notice my hair falling out in chunks. At first it felt like a cool party trick, I could reach up, touch my hair and come away with a fistful of hair in my hand. I went to bed and woke up to hair all over the pillow and my bed. I wasn't feeling great so I waited a bit, but after a couple of days having to vacuum the bed out and waking up to pieces in my eyes and mouth I decided it was time and we shaved off my hair. 

That was a bit strange, I really thought that I would be more affected by shaving all of my hair than I was. We let Kids, and Mom take turns shaving off parts, then Husband came back through for the final sweep for missed hairs. The vibration of the clipper against my scalp was a new experience, I have cut Husband's hair more times than I can count, but to be the one feeling the vibrations on your skull was strange. It was hard at first to not jump and start moving around when I felt the vibrations begin. I can see why some children are not comfortable when they first have the experience of a hair cut with clippers - I'm with them, it is a strange experience that at first sent shivers down the back of my neck and sent my senses into momentary overload.

After the hair was all gone, I didn't have a lot of energy to do much but stick to survival mode. The nausea, was worse this time, but the support meds at least let me be conscious. The feeling like my body was being destroyed internally was again present, but more in focus since I wasn't in a drug induced stupor. My intestines and stomach have always been a struggle for me and chemo - and the support meds - do a number on them. By turns I keep wishing for things to just stop or please let things go, I ache for the heartburn to quench, the nausea to leave, the throbbing in my head to subside and through it all I keep finding myself praying for a way to get to the next minute of time. 

It was a much longer and harder process to feel myself after this round and honestly that gives me some anxiety about how I'm going to feel through the next rounds. I want to be strong and I know everyone is here to help me get through, but sometimes when I look at all the treatments I still have left it feels too big. I decided to focus on the next minute or the next hour when I am feeling that way because this mountain is too much to climb all at once. I try to pray for relief even if fleeting and give thanks when I get some. I am 1/4 of the way through the weeks of chemo I am scheduled for, and that is something. 

This week I go in for another round of chemo (#3) and I am finding myself looking at certain items and feeling the nausea and anxious feelings stir back up just on sight of them. At the end of this I don't know if I will be able to keep some of those items in my presence or if they will need new homes because of the constant reminder of the misery I experienced when I was using them - at the same time they are oh so helpful. 

I didn't think that would be a thing - being bothered by seeing my stuff, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I have a picture of my grandmother who passed away and a few items that belonged to her in my house to remind me of her. I adore my grandmother and spent much of my childhood trying to emulate parts of her that I most appreciated. I am the oldest grandchild on that side and so I feel I had some more intimate one on one times with my grandparents, aunts and uncles than some of the grandchildren who followed after me. All this to say, the items I have are treasures to me, and yet I still often find myself being caught off guard when I really see one for the first time in a while and the feelings of grief and longing for more time with her wash back over me. I wonder if that is how some of the items I am using now could feel to me later on. I wonder if I will look at them and be reminded of the suffering, the nausea, the pains and feel a mourning for the times before Cancer - or will I remember the suffering and have found that I love the person it made me so much more than the person that I was so they bring joy and peace instead of longing.

This last week I kept waiting for the day that I would feel better again. And it did happen, sort of. I felt less tired, but I am still tired. I didn't need nausea meds every single day, but I did take them most days. I didn't need heartburn medicine constantly, but I am still finding that I used it more than I would have liked. I can do things, but not many before it is too much. I finally am feeling myself again the last couple of days and with more energy than before, but I feel like I am already standing deep in the shadow of the next looming treatment.

We had a nice Easter as a family. Mom left to be with Dad for the holiday and have some much needed time together. So we were left to just Us for Easter - which I think was good for all of Us too. One Kid put a note in their basket to ask if the Easter bunny would put an extra treat in for me "because she has cancer." Thankfully the bunny came up with something so Kid wasn't disappointed. We hunted eggs and had baskets with treats. For our church services, Kids were all supposed to sing. Some of them had been sick during the week leading up to it so we were worried about whether they would sing or attend, but all but one felt better and were able to sing. Big Kids sang multiple numbers with the church choir and Little Kid sang with the group of primary children. I stayed home to try and limit my exposure to people since we had been fighting for me to be healthy in my own home all week. I think I needed my worship time without kids crawling all over me too. Thankfully I was able to watch and listen to the services online and participate in that way. I am thankful for that blessing of technology and for the People who make it possible for me to participate in that way. I didn't get to partake of the sacrament but I did get to feel the spirit and I needed that alone time with God and His spirit.

While everyone was driving to and from church I studied scriptures and watched some of "The Chosen." Then I felt ok, so I made an Easter dinner. I said a prayer of thanks for the inspiration I had over the last couple of months to have everything on hand that we would need. I just pulled things from the freezer, and pantry and used up the last of our sweet potato harvest that has been aging in the garage from last year's harvest. It was a nice dinner, but it was a lot more work than I remember cooking being. I took so many short cuts and had help but it was a lot. Bishop and his Wife came to visit and minister to us after and it was so nice. I love them. 

I spent a lot of time realizing over the last two weeks how much I take for granted the energy to move and do things without getting over tired. A short walk around the block at a slow speed in the days after chemo is all I do in a day and it gets me out of breath for most of it. Before chemo I would easily walk miles in a day, do an hour of Zumba, grocery shop, cook and clean and not feel any worse for the wear. Before chemo I could make a big dinner from scratch without having to sit down or take a break, this week taking shortcuts and getting help to make dinner made me realize that I am weaker than I would like to think. It is ok, but it is definitely a mental shift and prioritizing where I will spend my time and energy is more and more at the forefront of my thoughts.

I am still so thankful for the love, prayers, support, gifts, messages, food and friendship we have been blessed with. I am so thankful for Family and Friends. I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who sends me comfort and relief in the right ways just when I need them. And I am so thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, for His understanding of where I am at in ways that help me feel understood when I question if anyone could ever deeply understand. I have had many angels show up with random things when I had only had a prayer in my heart about something - so I know They love me and are watchful over me. 

This week was hard, but it was oh so good too. I saw more of God's love for us. I felt more of Jesus, and enjoyed really focusing my studies on Him the last few weeks. I had a surprise pineapple delivered on a day when all I could think about all day was how nothing sounded good but a pineapple (mind you I had only prayed that God would help me find something I could stomach because nothing but pineapple sounded good) and there it was, unasked and yet delivered by a Friend who strives to be His hands on the earth. 

There is a girl in our community who passed away from Cancer. Her Mom invited the community to find a way to share light, kindness and love today. I didn't get to do much to share outside my little bubble, but I hope that when you read this you will get some light, even if it's just a little because there is so much good and light around us if we just take the time to let it in. 

Things start to get hairy - or hairless

    As if life wasn't fun enough with a large family, house in the middle of a remodel, kids in 3 schools, afterschool and church activities, etc. I get to add cancer to the mix. Life always has a curve ball or five to throw our way it seems. We have landed in big changes of life that you aren't "supposed" to do at the same time often in our marriage, so why not do cancer mid remodel. 

    For those who don't know, we are adding another room in the top half of a two story room in our house. Pre-diagnosis, Husband, myself and some Helpers had worked together and put in everything necessary for the floor. We had the beams and decking down and were ready to move into wiring lighting for the lower floor room and putting in some A/C ducting. We decided to add a half wall along the top of the stairs that we will build book shelves against to make as good a use of the space as we can. In the end we wanted to wall off one part of the current open loft area and make another bedroom and storage room. Then the new floor would be the new common area of the upstairs. We were excited but things were going slow.

    Then Cancer. We called in reinforcements to help get things taken care of that we don't have time or energy for. We are at a point where it is starting to feel like things are getting to be what I want them to despite Cancer messing with things.

    We are also hitting the point in the school year where I feel like things get all spun up again with activities, needs of random items for projects or field trips. We get really busy in the Spring. I am the one who tends to take on getting kids to activities, and supporting and volunteering wherever help is needed. It's a full-time job and I am really sad that this will mean I miss out on some of the things I love to do. I love to work the bookfair at our elementary, I love helping kids figure out how to get the most bang for their buck. I love seeing familiar faces and helping them find a new favorite book or sharing with the 5th graders how I have read most of the books written for their age level because sometimes I am pretty sure I'm only 12. I will miss doing things with our Girl Scouts and helping them achieve new things. I will miss helping to sit and be with the kids on field trips. Setting up and planting the produce garden, hunting all over town for the next new plant to add to the flower beds. I know there are ways I can help with some of these things, but I'm sad I won't be able to do a lot of them in the same way as I would other years. Mom said with everything going on it is like we already had a tornado going in life and then Cancer added a hurricane. So, let's pray to keep it that way until things calm down and pray to not have any added any tsunami's.

    There are a lot of things I am going to miss out on this season. The important things in life remain - I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. We have a strong church family and I am blessed immeasurably by their love and service. I have a Husband who will hold my hand when I want to cry and laugh at the many many dumb puns and jokes I come up with each day. I have Kids who love me and are always willing to share a snuggle or smile with me. I have a Mom who has given up much of her time to be here to help keep our family boat from rocking too hard. I have my faith and my love of God. 

    Things are hard, things are different, but they are good.

    Today we worked on making some cards using some supplies Sister sent me as a prize in the mail. It was fun to have Kids and Mom focus on something fun with me. They aren't done but we made progress even if it got hairy for a while.

    Speaking of hairy, I am starting to lose my hair. I haven't noticed a lot of thinning in my scalp yet, but I am sure it's coming as I have seen hair come out in clumps from my nose (yes, girls have nose hair too even if we don't talk about it much) and eyelashes. 

    While we are on this topic, why was I not allowed to tic a box that said I would like my leg hair and armpit hair to fall out first so I could ditch shaving sooner rather than later? I mean this girl was dreaming that I could skip shaving before I lost all the hair - I was dreaming so much I already threw out my razor. I'm ready for that to start...any day now. 

Tomorrow will mark round 2 of chemo.

Setting up for growth in the right areas

I don't like chemo, but it has a purpose. It has the purpose of killing off the right things in order for the better things to remain and grow. The chemo is a bit of a rough hand type tool for getting in and doing detailed work. It will kill of quick dividing cells, of which cancer is one, but it will also kill off others. That is where many of the harsh side effects of chemo come into play. Doctors make decisions for which drugs to use by tailoring the treatment to your specific type of cancer cells to try and take them out. The problem is that there is no magic magnet inside of a cancerous tumor that pulls the chemo drugs into just that place. 

In my mind it is like using a large snow shovel to try and remove the weeds from a newly tilled and sprouted garden. You can absolutely take out all of the weeds with that shovel. But trying to take only weeds and not some of the seedlings with them would be nearly impossible. In this situation you would need to take out what you could and come back later for more detailed work. You are also counting on seeds that haven't yet sprouted doing their job and coming back to fill in all the holes you made by scraping off their earlier friends. 

In theory you would have removed the weeds and if you continue to pay attention to your garden by weeding individual plants out later on (like radiation and surgery), replanting where necessary, watering and fertilizing the soil (recovery and natural cell regeneration) you will have a flourishing oasis later on. 

I am trying to be mindful of this as I look back on how junky I felt after the last round of chemo and how junky I will feel with the next round. The nausea meds will need adjusting cause they worked but knocked me silly. New things need to be added to supplement and fix other symptoms, more changes and more of me feeling like I will never feel balanced again. It's overwhelming and sometimes I have cried trying to think about how many more rounds of chemo and medicine I have ahead. But if I can keep in mind that it will all be worth it in the end I can keep going. 

My first phase of chemo will have 4 doses - one every other week (we already have 1 down), the second phase will have around 12 weekly doses. The 20 doses feels like a lot so I'm focusing on getting through the first 4 for now.

I was thinking too about how I said in a post before that my pride was taking a hit. Maybe that is a good thing too. It feels like maybe I'm being divinely plowed and prepared for some new growth in the right areas. Maybe I can come out of this a better person - someone who is more loving, understanding, patient, and a heck of a lot less prideful than I went into it. Maybe I'll come out a little more like Jesus - it can't hurt to try. 

Last thing for today - thank you for your love and prayers. When I can't seem to think or reply to all of the messages because of where I am at in the cycle, know that I do read them and they keep me going. 

I had some sweet Friends help me to get my hair chopped last week in preparation for chemo starting so it wouldn't feel quite so traumatic when it starts to go. I don't go to the salon, but I wanted someone else to do the chopping this time. I was so hesitant because while I've always wondered what a pixie cut would look like on me, I didn't plan to get there for a very long time. I went to the hair appointment that one of the Friends found me that was in a private salon booth and felt so well taken care of - when it was time to go, my Friend had already paid the bill that I was dreading paying because of what it meant. So, Friends who helped me look for an appointment and found ways to help occupy kids this week, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Sweet FRIEND who paid for that haircut so I didn't have to, thank you. That was a gift at just the right time that this cancer patient didn't know she needed until it happened. And to the awesome hairstylist, thank you for showing compassion and helping me laugh and find joy in an otherwise hard experience.

Feeling reactive

Last week I had my first round of chemotherapy...

It was as not fun as they say. 10 out of 10 I do not recommend it. 

The chemotherapy course I am taking is called AC-T. The medicines are given in two phases. The first phase I am given the AC drugs and the second will be the T or Taxol. For the first phase, one of the drugs they are using has the nickname "Red Devil." It is nicknamed that because it looks like red koolaid in the syringe before they administer it, and for some of it's side effects. It is the chemo that will start my hairloss, it turns bodily fluids red and toxic. My oncologist (we will henceforth call him DR.O) didn't say that the name of the drug was "red devil" when discussing the plan of treatment, he used the actual name of the drug. After learning the medicines I would be on I had researched and learned as much as I could before my first chemotherapy appointment to help make sure I was as prepared as I could be for what was coming.

I had been unable to sleep well the previous two nights with anxiety over what was coming. I had already talked to Dr.O about dealing with so much anxiety and that I felt like we needed to just rip the bandaid off and get started to help me to stop overthinking things. 

As we walked in for treatment, I looked at the multiple bays with numerous chairs for people receiving treatment. It is heartbreaking to think that there are that many people and yet we haven't stopped all cancers yet. I selected my chair for the day and settled in. Then I realized - I am one of those patients. One other thing that helped make this whole process feel real was when Nurse showed me the list of pre-chemo meds and chemotherapy drugs I would be given. She had a copy for me to keep to help me know what drugs I had been given. As she went over the list she wrote in what the drugs were for or what they do. Then we got to the doxorubicin(Adriamycin) and she wrote "red devil chemo." It sunk the pit of my stomach like I was sitting on a precipice peering down as I was about to fall a great distance. Then we were off, and my stomach moved up into my throat as we started the plunge into the administration of the medications.

Nurse, got my port ready and was able to access it for the IV medicines. Nurse started the first bag of pre-chemo medicine, and I remembered a prompting I had earlier that morning. I knew there would be an allergic reaction to one of the medicines - I was apocalyptic thinking that it would be the chemo drug and we would have to start over, but I was reassured that it would be ok. When the second bag of IV medicine was hung, Nurse started the drip and I took a deep breath felt ready to get on with things. Nurse walked away, Husband started to read and I began to work on a book I was gifted by a friend. I noticed I was having a hard time focusing on the words on the page, then it felt like my anxiety was attacking my chest. Things were so tight. One breath, two, by the third breath I looked up and saw stars and knew I was in trouble. I reached arduously for the call button and was feeling myself start to black out. My hand hit the button as Husband looked up to see what I was doing. Nurse and another support nurse ran over and immediately knew I was in need of help. They were able to get the medicine stopped, counteract what was happening and get me breathing freely again quickly. 

I had not expected things to go that fast or so soon in the treatment but was glad that they were quick to respond. Dr.O, Nurse and Pharmacy worked to find an alternative drug that I wouldn't have a reaction to. I tried to shake the feeling of just evading death and waited for the next step to be explained. When the new med was procured and approved we started the timers once again and finished the treatment without incident. 

Ports but not the fun ones and labs

My cancer is positive for both female hormones. It means that it is feeding on them and using them to grow. 

I have had 3 sites biopsied, multiple mammograms, 2 MRI procedures, a PET scan, port placement, EKG, blood work and loads of appointments to try and learn all that we can about the cancer.

The kids say because the type of cancer I have is called invasive ductal that it means it's like an alien invader and we need to get the aliens out of me.

There have been many visitors, texts and calls from people reaching out to offer help, support, supplies, meals, cookies, plants and love. It has truly helped me to brace for what comes next knowing I have so many at my back cheering and helping to push and keep me going as we head into the next turn of the ride.

I have tried to spend time snuggling the girls and resting the best I can. 

I love ports, but just not ones that they put in my body. I have had two different picc lines in the past, and they were not fun. My surgeon assures me that this port will be much less annoying than the picc lines and neck IVs were to deal with. Actually getting my port placed was not my favorite. I was glad for the medically induced nap while they did the work of placing and testing it. When I woke up and was sent home, I had a lot to say apparently and my family thought it was a lot of fun to try and have a conversation with me. I'm glad that I could make people laugh.

Since getting past the haze of the medicines, I hate the sensation of something sitting there beneath the skin near my collar bone. The feel of something foreign and stiff where the skin was once soft and supple is a sensation I could do without. Turning my head I feel the pull of it beneath my skin and have to remind myself that I didn't kink my neck or sleep funny and that this new sensation will be with me for a while as the swelling goes down and my brain becomes accustomed to the new sensory input.

I have so many bruises. Bruises from biopsies, bruises from blood draws and IVs. Bruises from the port being placed. There are so many bruises and scabs where I have been damaged.

The hardest bruise right now is the one sitting right square on top of my pride. I like to be independent and strong (in every way). I like to take care of what I need to and not have to ask for help. I like to move furniture when I want and not worry about whether it is too heavy for me to lift. I like to move boxes and totes and reorganize whenever the whim strikes me. I like to make meals and be the one helping others. I like to serve not be served. This cancer journey is definitely a fight - right now it feels like the fight with myself is a bigger one. I have often thought that physical things are hard for me, but not as hard as the mental/emotional ones are to deal with.

The start of a new ride

The last few months have felt like a rollercoaster ride. There have been highs, and lows and scary parts that make me clench my fists and teeth and hope that it's over soon. I thought that we were done with rollercoasters, but here we are at the start of another ride.

 

I have invasive ductal breast cancer. I received my diagnosis over the phone on Valentine's day. It was found in my left breast and the lymph nodes nearby. I am not 40 yet so this was somewhat surprising. We have been working with my team of doctors to clarify and get all the information that we can about my diagnosis. 

I have had biopsies of some of the tumors. There have been and will be more appointments to make sure that we have all of the information we can going into treating my cancer. The plan is to start chemotherapy soon.