He clothes the lillies of the field

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit and cry and be sad and overwhelmed. I have written a lot about the hard things because I want to remember what they were and what it was like when I get to the other side of all of this. I mean, there is a good amount of crying and overwhelm and definitely more than there ever was before cancer but there are also a lot of moments of joy, stillness, peace, hope and fun.  I am still Mom to my kids and wife to my husband. I am still a friend, sister, mentor, creator, encourager, comforter, and cheerleader. 

Kids come home and check in about their day. I give hugs, help with homework, listen to rambling stories about the minute details of recess and comfort egos that were bruised when a friend wasn't the best kind of friend. I snuggle up with them and pat their heads. I hold their hand and tell them I love them. 

Do I lay down a lot? Yes. Do I feel horrid for what feels like a lot of days between treatments? Absolutely. But this post is about some of the bountiful mercies and blessings I have seen because there have been many. 

I told you about the priesthood blessing and the butterscotch shake. Did you know that there have been gifts showing up at my house? People have sent cards and gifts hoping to make things better, easier or happier - and you know what, it works. Those things show up on days when I keep finding my eyes tearing up in the private moments because things are feeling too hard. 

I have been crying in my room and heard the doorbell only to find a Friend brought me a flower. Or I was feeling like I wasn't sure how to be when I couldn't attend church services and another Friend sent home a reminder with Little Kid that she was thinking of me. They have always - every single one of them - showed up when I was struggling to hold hope and peace in my heart.

There was a package full of treasures to brighten up my room. One Big Kid made some art that reminds me I am loved and to look for the wonders all around. There was a box of books - specifically chosen by a Loved One who looked at my list of books I wanted to read and gathered some to share with me. 

There have been texts and phone calls at exactly the right moment when I just need to vent a little. People have offered to help with whatever was needed and they answer the call when  invited to do so. Food, and rides and help with kids. Help working on the house renovation, cleaning, you name it - People are God's hands, and through them I am feeling His love.

I was having an exceptionally hard time one day. I was having an hour of feeling hopeless and like I didn't know how to keep going. So, I prayed. I often talk to God about things throughout the day, I pray vocally and in my heart. I spend time in His word and in stillness so I can listen for what He has to say back. In this moment of prayer though, my turmoil felt too great. I was like Peter as he stepped off the ship in Matthew 14:29-31:

29 And [Jesus] said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

I was sinking and cried out to feel His love and comfort to save my mind and heart. I asked to be reminded of how He loves me. In that moment, I wasn't sure how that would come about, but I knew that I once had known and trusted that I could be reminded. 

It was only a moment later when I looked out of the window next to me. Immediately a mourning dove landed directly on the windowsill facing into the room. He stood there cocking his head from side to side as he looked in at me and I looked at him for what felt like a very long moment. Then I remembered the scriptures in Matthew 6:26, 28-29, 32:

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

32 [...] your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

And this song: 

His blessings rained down like manna from heaven. I knew that He knows me. I knew that I could keep going. I knew that I was going to be ok. I knew that I needed to put on my big girl pants and get to work on changing the things that I have control over. And I was gently reminded to look for the good, the miracles, the blessings and to give thanks. So I did and I do.

Thank you to ALL who have been a part of this journey with me. For the prayers, the thoughts, the wishes, the time, the gifts, ALL of it - you have helped to keep me going.

I am known, I am seen, I am loved. God is so good. He knows you too, maybe you can take some time today and have your own chat with Him - He is a great listener to ALL the things you have to say.