Light just over the next hill

I have been a bit MIA for the last few weeks. Really I have been dealing with a lot and the thought of sitting at a computer and writing anything felt like too much to ask. After the 3rd round of AC chemo and all that recovering took out of me physically and mentally I was really worried about how I would do with the final AC round - Round 4. 

Doctor felt optimistic, my main tumor is shrinking and you can tell that the chemotherapy is making a difference in the size and texture which is exactly what we want to have. I kept worrying about the treatment itself and the fallout. After round 3 I had been so nauseated and felt so awful. We talked about it and Doctor had some ideas for a different support med that might help me ease through the roughest parts. 

I was counting on prayers and angels and miracles in whatever form they would come because I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. Sure enough the day before chemo I broke down, but I was blessed with enough peace to keep going. When we got into the seat for treatment Nurse was excellent and was very understanding of how I was feeling. My companion that day was Sister-in-law and she was very good at finding things to talk about to keep my mind from having a melt down. Volunteers came and did their darndest to help this girl find just one thing to smile about because I kept having tears leak out of my eyes. Meds and chemo were administered at the kind hands of Nurse sucessfully and I came home and waited for the absolute bottom to fall out - it didn't. I rested and was feeling junky for sure but I didn't feel like this round would be the end of me. There were prayers answered, angels who helped me and the miracles from God that I had been looking for. 

The support medicine they gave with my treatment this time meant I wasn't feeling nauseated within 2 hours of coming home from treatment which was a first for me. I was so thankful for that - another blessing. Then because I was feeling better I didn't have to take as many home meds and felt better in my digestive tract than I had other rounds - again tender mercy. 

Finally after some days I was able to recover a bit more and had a full week of feeling nearly myself before I was scheduled to trade over to the Taxol set of medicines. 

We met with Doctor about what to expect, discussed that I am definitely going to need cold therapy to get through the Taxol the best we can without neuropathy because I had experienced it already from the AC treatments and at other times when my rheumatoid arthritis gets bad. We went over the plan and I was reminded of what the projected outcome of all of this would be- surgeries and radiation are still coming and I need to be prepared for what that will mean. I don't like it - I've had too many other necessary surgeries already and I don't want to think about having more to recover from when I feel like it's all I can do to focus on the here and now. But it is better for me to mentally have time to think about and process it to help me to feel more comfortable with all that is still to come.

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If you have called or texted in the last while, it's not personal when I don't respond for days sometimes, actually most of the time it is unintentional. I have found that there are a lot of people who love me and a lot of people who want to know what is going on and how I am doing which means a lot of people reaching out. Meanwhile I am living through really hard things. I am fighting for my life and trying to meet the emotional, mental and physical needs of my large family. I am focusing on what matters most right now- me, my husband and the children I am steward over. Many people are understanding of that and I am thankful for that but I want to put it out there because I am making space for me and I won't feel guilt for making that choice when it means the gift of a mother who is available to my children. I have to guard myself, my mind and time for what is most important in that moment because I am so limited in what I can do thanks to all of this. 

I do read the texts eventually - sometimes it has been over a week before I get back around to it, but I do read them and try to respond.

 One day I'll be better at responding when I have more room in my capacity and then you and I will see the light just over the next hill.