3 out of 4 ain't bad - winner gets a shake

 
This last round of chemo was rough. In the days leading up to treatment I had a cloud of dread hanging over me that I already mentioned. I felt so frustrated by myself. I was anxious about the treatment and how I would handle it mentally. I also felt a building dread for the fight with my body that got harder with each day leading up to treatment. 

I am a woman who listens to her body, it is how I learned what foods my body does well digesting and what foods my body does not do well with which has been an important tool for much of my life. I have learned what things my body needs by being in tune to what I am feeling and sensing. It was how I knew deep down that I had cancer before I had any proof. Being that I listen to my body, it sometimes speaks loudly about what it wants and needs. Every time I thought about treatment my body went loud with messages of revolt and my betrayal if I went through with it. I felt like going in and getting treatment was going against every message I had tried so hard to learn to listen to. Why would you go to a place where they kill off parts of your body, damage the very cells with which your body functions, recognize that and then turn back around and do it all over again - over and over. 

My mind knows that this is the right thing to do for me in the long run. My heart knows this is right. My body, doesn't yet understand why we are doing these horrible things over and over again. And I am not sure how to tell it that it will all be ok in the end. 

After round 3 of AC chemo I came home and just cried and felt utterly awful. I was mentally and physically taxed and it hadn't even been long. The nausea meds were not working like I needed them to and I was really in a fight to not crawl right out of my skin for all the input my body was sending me. So I asked for a priesthood blessing. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is a prayer given by a Melchizedek priesthood holder for healing, comfort or counsel that is given by laying hands on the head of the person receiving the blessing. Priesthood holders laid hands on my head and gave me a blessing. The one speaking spoke the inspired words that I needed to hear to help me hang on.

I was able to rest overnight and went in the next morning for my follow up shot. They hadn't scheduled me for more fluids, but Husband asked and Doctor agreed so they worked me in as an add on for that one. I felt incredibly miserable. When they got me into a chair and Nurse came over, it was Nurse who had been there for treatment 1. Nurse helped me once again feel comforted as my fluids were started and shot was prepped. Nurse asked Doctor to add another nausea med to help with the breakthrough and let me sleep. 

Husband waited patiently while I got what I needed and then got me a butterscotch shake on the way home - because apparently that is my comfort food when I feel like I'm dying. 

Many years ago when I was pregnant, I almost died - true story my Doctor held my hand and promised to save baby but wasn't sure if I could be saved. When I pulled through I felt horrid and couldn't seem to stomach the hospital food. My Nurse got upset and Doctor came to talk. I asked if HE would want to eat what they were offering with no salt or seasoning - he asked if they brought anything I could want in what I would wish for. I told him a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a butterscotch shake - it had been many days since I had eaten anything and that was all that sounded good. Doctor was true to his word and found someone to go and bring back exactly what I asked for and I kept my word and ate every last crumb of sandwich and licked the cup clean from the shake. It was so healing - maybe that is why a butterscotch shake sounded good after what I was putting my body through.

Did I lick the cup this time? You bet cause I'm a winner and 3 out of 4 ain't bad.