Light just over the next hill

I have been a bit MIA for the last few weeks. Really I have been dealing with a lot and the thought of sitting at a computer and writing anything felt like too much to ask. After the 3rd round of AC chemo and all that recovering took out of me physically and mentally I was really worried about how I would do with the final AC round - Round 4. 

Doctor felt optimistic, my main tumor is shrinking and you can tell that the chemotherapy is making a difference in the size and texture which is exactly what we want to have. I kept worrying about the treatment itself and the fallout. After round 3 I had been so nauseated and felt so awful. We talked about it and Doctor had some ideas for a different support med that might help me ease through the roughest parts. 

I was counting on prayers and angels and miracles in whatever form they would come because I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. Sure enough the day before chemo I broke down, but I was blessed with enough peace to keep going. When we got into the seat for treatment Nurse was excellent and was very understanding of how I was feeling. My companion that day was Sister-in-law and she was very good at finding things to talk about to keep my mind from having a melt down. Volunteers came and did their darndest to help this girl find just one thing to smile about because I kept having tears leak out of my eyes. Meds and chemo were administered at the kind hands of Nurse sucessfully and I came home and waited for the absolute bottom to fall out - it didn't. I rested and was feeling junky for sure but I didn't feel like this round would be the end of me. There were prayers answered, angels who helped me and the miracles from God that I had been looking for. 

The support medicine they gave with my treatment this time meant I wasn't feeling nauseated within 2 hours of coming home from treatment which was a first for me. I was so thankful for that - another blessing. Then because I was feeling better I didn't have to take as many home meds and felt better in my digestive tract than I had other rounds - again tender mercy. 

Finally after some days I was able to recover a bit more and had a full week of feeling nearly myself before I was scheduled to trade over to the Taxol set of medicines. 

We met with Doctor about what to expect, discussed that I am definitely going to need cold therapy to get through the Taxol the best we can without neuropathy because I had experienced it already from the AC treatments and at other times when my rheumatoid arthritis gets bad. We went over the plan and I was reminded of what the projected outcome of all of this would be- surgeries and radiation are still coming and I need to be prepared for what that will mean. I don't like it - I've had too many other necessary surgeries already and I don't want to think about having more to recover from when I feel like it's all I can do to focus on the here and now. But it is better for me to mentally have time to think about and process it to help me to feel more comfortable with all that is still to come.

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If you have called or texted in the last while, it's not personal when I don't respond for days sometimes, actually most of the time it is unintentional. I have found that there are a lot of people who love me and a lot of people who want to know what is going on and how I am doing which means a lot of people reaching out. Meanwhile I am living through really hard things. I am fighting for my life and trying to meet the emotional, mental and physical needs of my large family. I am focusing on what matters most right now- me, my husband and the children I am steward over. Many people are understanding of that and I am thankful for that but I want to put it out there because I am making space for me and I won't feel guilt for making that choice when it means the gift of a mother who is available to my children. I have to guard myself, my mind and time for what is most important in that moment because I am so limited in what I can do thanks to all of this. 

I do read the texts eventually - sometimes it has been over a week before I get back around to it, but I do read them and try to respond.

 One day I'll be better at responding when I have more room in my capacity and then you and I will see the light just over the next hill.

He clothes the lillies of the field

I don't want you to think that all I do is sit and cry and be sad and overwhelmed. I have written a lot about the hard things because I want to remember what they were and what it was like when I get to the other side of all of this. I mean, there is a good amount of crying and overwhelm and definitely more than there ever was before cancer but there are also a lot of moments of joy, stillness, peace, hope and fun.  I am still Mom to my kids and wife to my husband. I am still a friend, sister, mentor, creator, encourager, comforter, and cheerleader. 

Kids come home and check in about their day. I give hugs, help with homework, listen to rambling stories about the minute details of recess and comfort egos that were bruised when a friend wasn't the best kind of friend. I snuggle up with them and pat their heads. I hold their hand and tell them I love them. 

Do I lay down a lot? Yes. Do I feel horrid for what feels like a lot of days between treatments? Absolutely. But this post is about some of the bountiful mercies and blessings I have seen because there have been many. 

I told you about the priesthood blessing and the butterscotch shake. Did you know that there have been gifts showing up at my house? People have sent cards and gifts hoping to make things better, easier or happier - and you know what, it works. Those things show up on days when I keep finding my eyes tearing up in the private moments because things are feeling too hard. 

I have been crying in my room and heard the doorbell only to find a Friend brought me a flower. Or I was feeling like I wasn't sure how to be when I couldn't attend church services and another Friend sent home a reminder with Little Kid that she was thinking of me. They have always - every single one of them - showed up when I was struggling to hold hope and peace in my heart.

There was a package full of treasures to brighten up my room. One Big Kid made some art that reminds me I am loved and to look for the wonders all around. There was a box of books - specifically chosen by a Loved One who looked at my list of books I wanted to read and gathered some to share with me. 

There have been texts and phone calls at exactly the right moment when I just need to vent a little. People have offered to help with whatever was needed and they answer the call when  invited to do so. Food, and rides and help with kids. Help working on the house renovation, cleaning, you name it - People are God's hands, and through them I am feeling His love.

I was having an exceptionally hard time one day. I was having an hour of feeling hopeless and like I didn't know how to keep going. So, I prayed. I often talk to God about things throughout the day, I pray vocally and in my heart. I spend time in His word and in stillness so I can listen for what He has to say back. In this moment of prayer though, my turmoil felt too great. I was like Peter as he stepped off the ship in Matthew 14:29-31:

29 And [Jesus] said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

I was sinking and cried out to feel His love and comfort to save my mind and heart. I asked to be reminded of how He loves me. In that moment, I wasn't sure how that would come about, but I knew that I once had known and trusted that I could be reminded. 

It was only a moment later when I looked out of the window next to me. Immediately a mourning dove landed directly on the windowsill facing into the room. He stood there cocking his head from side to side as he looked in at me and I looked at him for what felt like a very long moment. Then I remembered the scriptures in Matthew 6:26, 28-29, 32:

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

32 [...] your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

And this song: 

His blessings rained down like manna from heaven. I knew that He knows me. I knew that I could keep going. I knew that I was going to be ok. I knew that I needed to put on my big girl pants and get to work on changing the things that I have control over. And I was gently reminded to look for the good, the miracles, the blessings and to give thanks. So I did and I do.

Thank you to ALL who have been a part of this journey with me. For the prayers, the thoughts, the wishes, the time, the gifts, ALL of it - you have helped to keep me going.

I am known, I am seen, I am loved. God is so good. He knows you too, maybe you can take some time today and have your own chat with Him - He is a great listener to ALL the things you have to say.

3 out of 4 ain't bad - winner gets a shake

 
This last round of chemo was rough. In the days leading up to treatment I had a cloud of dread hanging over me that I already mentioned. I felt so frustrated by myself. I was anxious about the treatment and how I would handle it mentally. I also felt a building dread for the fight with my body that got harder with each day leading up to treatment. 

I am a woman who listens to her body, it is how I learned what foods my body does well digesting and what foods my body does not do well with which has been an important tool for much of my life. I have learned what things my body needs by being in tune to what I am feeling and sensing. It was how I knew deep down that I had cancer before I had any proof. Being that I listen to my body, it sometimes speaks loudly about what it wants and needs. Every time I thought about treatment my body went loud with messages of revolt and my betrayal if I went through with it. I felt like going in and getting treatment was going against every message I had tried so hard to learn to listen to. Why would you go to a place where they kill off parts of your body, damage the very cells with which your body functions, recognize that and then turn back around and do it all over again - over and over. 

My mind knows that this is the right thing to do for me in the long run. My heart knows this is right. My body, doesn't yet understand why we are doing these horrible things over and over again. And I am not sure how to tell it that it will all be ok in the end. 

After round 3 of AC chemo I came home and just cried and felt utterly awful. I was mentally and physically taxed and it hadn't even been long. The nausea meds were not working like I needed them to and I was really in a fight to not crawl right out of my skin for all the input my body was sending me. So I asked for a priesthood blessing. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is a prayer given by a Melchizedek priesthood holder for healing, comfort or counsel that is given by laying hands on the head of the person receiving the blessing. Priesthood holders laid hands on my head and gave me a blessing. The one speaking spoke the inspired words that I needed to hear to help me hang on.

I was able to rest overnight and went in the next morning for my follow up shot. They hadn't scheduled me for more fluids, but Husband asked and Doctor agreed so they worked me in as an add on for that one. I felt incredibly miserable. When they got me into a chair and Nurse came over, it was Nurse who had been there for treatment 1. Nurse helped me once again feel comforted as my fluids were started and shot was prepped. Nurse asked Doctor to add another nausea med to help with the breakthrough and let me sleep. 

Husband waited patiently while I got what I needed and then got me a butterscotch shake on the way home - because apparently that is my comfort food when I feel like I'm dying. 

Many years ago when I was pregnant, I almost died - true story my Doctor held my hand and promised to save baby but wasn't sure if I could be saved. When I pulled through I felt horrid and couldn't seem to stomach the hospital food. My Nurse got upset and Doctor came to talk. I asked if HE would want to eat what they were offering with no salt or seasoning - he asked if they brought anything I could want in what I would wish for. I told him a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a butterscotch shake - it had been many days since I had eaten anything and that was all that sounded good. Doctor was true to his word and found someone to go and bring back exactly what I asked for and I kept my word and ate every last crumb of sandwich and licked the cup clean from the shake. It was so healing - maybe that is why a butterscotch shake sounded good after what I was putting my body through.

Did I lick the cup this time? You bet cause I'm a winner and 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

This ride is nauseating

In the time since my last post, I had my second round of chemo. It was a lot smoother for administering than the first time, and we added some fluids to help with the migraine the first one had triggered. The fluids helped a lot and the headache was a more mild one this time and felt more like something I can live with.

The day of my last treatment, I started to notice my hair falling out in chunks. At first it felt like a cool party trick, I could reach up, touch my hair and come away with a fistful of hair in my hand. I went to bed and woke up to hair all over the pillow and my bed. I wasn't feeling great so I waited a bit, but after a couple of days having to vacuum the bed out and waking up to pieces in my eyes and mouth I decided it was time and we shaved off my hair. 

That was a bit strange, I really thought that I would be more affected by shaving all of my hair than I was. We let Kids, and Mom take turns shaving off parts, then Husband came back through for the final sweep for missed hairs. The vibration of the clipper against my scalp was a new experience, I have cut Husband's hair more times than I can count, but to be the one feeling the vibrations on your skull was strange. It was hard at first to not jump and start moving around when I felt the vibrations begin. I can see why some children are not comfortable when they first have the experience of a hair cut with clippers - I'm with them, it is a strange experience that at first sent shivers down the back of my neck and sent my senses into momentary overload.

After the hair was all gone, I didn't have a lot of energy to do much but stick to survival mode. The nausea, was worse this time, but the support meds at least let me be conscious. The feeling like my body was being destroyed internally was again present, but more in focus since I wasn't in a drug induced stupor. My intestines and stomach have always been a struggle for me and chemo - and the support meds - do a number on them. By turns I keep wishing for things to just stop or please let things go, I ache for the heartburn to quench, the nausea to leave, the throbbing in my head to subside and through it all I keep finding myself praying for a way to get to the next minute of time. 

It was a much longer and harder process to feel myself after this round and honestly that gives me some anxiety about how I'm going to feel through the next rounds. I want to be strong and I know everyone is here to help me get through, but sometimes when I look at all the treatments I still have left it feels too big. I decided to focus on the next minute or the next hour when I am feeling that way because this mountain is too much to climb all at once. I try to pray for relief even if fleeting and give thanks when I get some. I am 1/4 of the way through the weeks of chemo I am scheduled for, and that is something. 

This week I go in for another round of chemo (#3) and I am finding myself looking at certain items and feeling the nausea and anxious feelings stir back up just on sight of them. At the end of this I don't know if I will be able to keep some of those items in my presence or if they will need new homes because of the constant reminder of the misery I experienced when I was using them - at the same time they are oh so helpful. 

I didn't think that would be a thing - being bothered by seeing my stuff, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I have a picture of my grandmother who passed away and a few items that belonged to her in my house to remind me of her. I adore my grandmother and spent much of my childhood trying to emulate parts of her that I most appreciated. I am the oldest grandchild on that side and so I feel I had some more intimate one on one times with my grandparents, aunts and uncles than some of the grandchildren who followed after me. All this to say, the items I have are treasures to me, and yet I still often find myself being caught off guard when I really see one for the first time in a while and the feelings of grief and longing for more time with her wash back over me. I wonder if that is how some of the items I am using now could feel to me later on. I wonder if I will look at them and be reminded of the suffering, the nausea, the pains and feel a mourning for the times before Cancer - or will I remember the suffering and have found that I love the person it made me so much more than the person that I was so they bring joy and peace instead of longing.

This last week I kept waiting for the day that I would feel better again. And it did happen, sort of. I felt less tired, but I am still tired. I didn't need nausea meds every single day, but I did take them most days. I didn't need heartburn medicine constantly, but I am still finding that I used it more than I would have liked. I can do things, but not many before it is too much. I finally am feeling myself again the last couple of days and with more energy than before, but I feel like I am already standing deep in the shadow of the next looming treatment.

We had a nice Easter as a family. Mom left to be with Dad for the holiday and have some much needed time together. So we were left to just Us for Easter - which I think was good for all of Us too. One Kid put a note in their basket to ask if the Easter bunny would put an extra treat in for me "because she has cancer." Thankfully the bunny came up with something so Kid wasn't disappointed. We hunted eggs and had baskets with treats. For our church services, Kids were all supposed to sing. Some of them had been sick during the week leading up to it so we were worried about whether they would sing or attend, but all but one felt better and were able to sing. Big Kids sang multiple numbers with the church choir and Little Kid sang with the group of primary children. I stayed home to try and limit my exposure to people since we had been fighting for me to be healthy in my own home all week. I think I needed my worship time without kids crawling all over me too. Thankfully I was able to watch and listen to the services online and participate in that way. I am thankful for that blessing of technology and for the People who make it possible for me to participate in that way. I didn't get to partake of the sacrament but I did get to feel the spirit and I needed that alone time with God and His spirit.

While everyone was driving to and from church I studied scriptures and watched some of "The Chosen." Then I felt ok, so I made an Easter dinner. I said a prayer of thanks for the inspiration I had over the last couple of months to have everything on hand that we would need. I just pulled things from the freezer, and pantry and used up the last of our sweet potato harvest that has been aging in the garage from last year's harvest. It was a nice dinner, but it was a lot more work than I remember cooking being. I took so many short cuts and had help but it was a lot. Bishop and his Wife came to visit and minister to us after and it was so nice. I love them. 

I spent a lot of time realizing over the last two weeks how much I take for granted the energy to move and do things without getting over tired. A short walk around the block at a slow speed in the days after chemo is all I do in a day and it gets me out of breath for most of it. Before chemo I would easily walk miles in a day, do an hour of Zumba, grocery shop, cook and clean and not feel any worse for the wear. Before chemo I could make a big dinner from scratch without having to sit down or take a break, this week taking shortcuts and getting help to make dinner made me realize that I am weaker than I would like to think. It is ok, but it is definitely a mental shift and prioritizing where I will spend my time and energy is more and more at the forefront of my thoughts.

I am still so thankful for the love, prayers, support, gifts, messages, food and friendship we have been blessed with. I am so thankful for Family and Friends. I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who sends me comfort and relief in the right ways just when I need them. And I am so thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, for His understanding of where I am at in ways that help me feel understood when I question if anyone could ever deeply understand. I have had many angels show up with random things when I had only had a prayer in my heart about something - so I know They love me and are watchful over me. 

This week was hard, but it was oh so good too. I saw more of God's love for us. I felt more of Jesus, and enjoyed really focusing my studies on Him the last few weeks. I had a surprise pineapple delivered on a day when all I could think about all day was how nothing sounded good but a pineapple (mind you I had only prayed that God would help me find something I could stomach because nothing but pineapple sounded good) and there it was, unasked and yet delivered by a Friend who strives to be His hands on the earth. 

There is a girl in our community who passed away from Cancer. Her Mom invited the community to find a way to share light, kindness and love today. I didn't get to do much to share outside my little bubble, but I hope that when you read this you will get some light, even if it's just a little because there is so much good and light around us if we just take the time to let it in.